How to feel closeness during the holidays

Well, if you know me, I couldn’t let Thanksgiving (and subsequently the biggest shopping weekend of the year) go by without making some commentary.

I made a little video on my Instagram here, but it was before I wrote the rest of this, so please keep reading because it’s better than my short video.

Ads are going rampant this time of year. They’ll be trying to make you feel like if you buy their product then you’ll have the best holiday, you’ll look the best, you’ll give the best gift, you’ll provide the best holiday memories for others.

But, my question is, do you really need all that? Do you need to prove to others you can give the best gift? Do you need to have the best holiday by having the most trendy decorations or brand new table scape?

What are you trying to get out of buying things for the holidays?

The answer for most people is connection.

• We want to have the best recipes and meals so that we can create the best memories with our loved ones.

• We want to give the best gift so we get a little closer to our friends.

• We want to have the best outfit so we feel confident about ourselves and enjoy the photos when we look back on the memories.

These are the feelings we are striving for: connection, love, laughter, memories.

But what we often get instead can be:

• Stress that if it doesn’t work out we won’t be praised and feel that closeness

• Worry that we will look foolish

• Envying other people’s outfits, gifts, families, friends etc

• Anger that it’s not working out the way it looks in Hallmark movies

• Not feeling confident in ourselves and ability to pick the right present/outfit/meal/etc.

• Loneliness and hopelessness before we even try to connect with others

One way we can try to alleviate all these feelings that come up is shopping.

Shopping gives you the dopamine hit of knowing you’re getting something for yourself or that you’ll give to someone else. It’s excited to get things delivered to your house. But that feeling wears away quickly, especially if you buy to cover up a feeling.

The feelings that stay longer are those connected feelings. To get that, we have to dig deep. We have to acknowledge that:

• there’s no such thing as a perfect holiday, outfit, family, anything!

• things may go wrong,

• our holiday party may not look like an Instagram photo,

• we may not have the best outfit,

• we may not give the best gift.

And once you let go of trying to control the outcome of a situation,

• you can relax more

• you can let go of the stress and worry

• you can focus more on the people you get to be with and think of ways you can connect:

  • questions to ask,

  • games to play,

  • activities to do,

  • ways you can share yourself and be vulnerable

These are all ways that people feel connected and get closer to each other.

But the ads will try to convince you that’s not it.

They will try to convince you they know want you need more than you do.

But this is the truth:

• You know yourself more than any ad.

• You know what you need and don’t need.

• You know how much money you have to spend.

• You know what presents to buy for your friends and family.

• You don’t need ads to tell you what to buy.

Do ads know your more than you know yourself? They actually might these days. But you know yourself more.

Take your power back and choose what to buy for yourself.

This year, try to question the ads you see online during the holidays. And if you think you really “need” something, see if you can find it locally rather than buying from halfway around the world. That will connect you to your community around you too.

And that connection is more of the feeling we all want around the holidays. It is the feeling we are striving to get by being on social media and by shopping. But stop looking online on your phone. Love and connection happen so much more profoundly in person.